What do you do when you are bored? How do you handle it when life slows down? What do you do in that space? Perhaps some of you love it when it is quiet and just enjoy quiet walks. You enjoy being still.
That is not my normal experience. I have a very fast mind. I have moved fast my whole life. My parents told me that when I was one or two years old, I started to play and dribble balls. Growing up, I was always bouncing a ball around. It was something that would stimulate me just enough. I don’t like to be still with my thoughts. I’m not sure why. But there is some fear there for me.
I didn’t know about ADD growing up in the 80's. As an adult I always joked that I probably had it, but I never was fully diagnosed until five years ago. Yes, it is true, I have ADD. I read a book or two on it, and it makes a ton of sense why I operate the way I do.
So what is the internet to my brain? Well, it’s an instant distraction. I have often said that a smartphone to an ADD-type brain is like crack cocaine. It takes my brain that already moves extremely fast and then pumps it on a ton of information through texts, tweets, and Facebook posts, which makes my brain feel super cluttered. I have lived with this distracted brain my whole life.
Now none of this is new news if you have been on this journey with me. It’s something I have worked on intensely over the last eight to ten years. I have worked on quieting myself and learning to be still. But I keep going back to things to keep myself distracted.
In my spiritual journey, I have known that the Lord wants me to learn to be still. I long for deep intimacy with Jesus. At times I surely have found that. I have grown to love the presence of the Lord. And yet it’s not something I can sustain because I keep turning to distractions. Whether it’s checking the latest sports scores or my Facebook feed, I keep going back to things to distract my mind.
Last summer, I sensed the Lord say enough. I felt his gentle and yet firm rebuke.
"Do you want to hear my voice or the voice of the world?"
Well Lord, if you put it that way, I want you.
I basically went off all the media. No sports, minimal Facebook, and no news. Wow, that was so refreshing. I found that I didn't miss it at all. I am not sure I noticed an immediate change in my mind. But I kept sensing the Lord telling me to keep coming to him.
Fast forward to March. I participated in a 40-day global fast that many did during Lent. I was excited for this time to spend extended hours with the Lord. Before the virus put us all on an extended time of sabbath, I was already planning on slowing down in March. In February there were some days where I found myself in the presence of the Lord for hours at a time. I was thinking, “Wow. Finally I’m making some progress in eliminating distractions and being clear and focused.”
But then March hit… and everything changed. The fasting was hard. The distractions were worse. I started checking the news more because I wanted to see what was going on in the world. And I have been deeply fighting being alone with the Lord.
Yet each day, I keep sitting in my chair. I keep at it. I stay in boredom, trying to sit with Jesus and abide in his presence. Yet the distractions keep pulling at me. There was a level of frustration that hit me hard over the weekend. It seemed like everything boiled over, and I’m not sure what I felt. But I felt so frustrated internally.
Today I had a great talk with a good friend who is a pastor to me, someone I can process my heart with, and he always provides great feedback.
He said two things that hit me hard. First, that in this season the Lord is wanting me to learn that he’s my joy and comfort in all things. This has been my heart and my deep passion, that I would enjoy the quiet place with the Lord above all things. I long for this intimacy with Jesus. Yet if it isn’t there, I will quickly go to other things to find that comfort--food, interaction with friends, digital distractions.
Then my friend shared this quote with me from Blaise Pascal: “Distraction is the only thing that consoles us for our miseries…and yet is the greatest of miseries. For it is this which hinders us from reflecting upon ourselves, and which makes us insensibly ruin ourselves.”
So the very miseries we distract ourselves from are the miseries we perpetuate by distracting ourselves. And we are kept from the thing that heals us: deep reflection and intimacy with Jesus.
My encouragement to you this season is this: keep fighting distractions. Let’s put our phones away, turn off the TV’s, and turn to first abiding with Jesus. Then let’s have meaningful time with our families. I have heard so many are doing that.
I have a new resolve to fight distraction--to allow myself to just sit and be bored.
Will I be perfect at this? Nope. I know myself too well. But I will be present with the Lord and my family, and I know the Lord loves me deeply in the middle of my struggle.
Thanks for letting me share.
The Penners
Wednesday, April 22, 2020
The Restart of a Blog: Battling Creativity
What’s the point of blogging in 2020? Aren’t there enough opinions? Don’t we have enough words being said in 2020? Yes, that is probably the case, whether on Facebook or Twitter or any other platform. We are inundated with words and information. So the answer is no--another blog is not needed.
But perhaps this space is for myself more than anything. It’s a space for me to write and express the things I am learning, thinking (which happens non-stop), and wrestling through, and if someone reads it, well I guess that’s just a bonus.
We are all creative. First, everyone is made in the image of God. By that fact alone, I think everyone is designed to reflect this amazing God that created the universe. We see creativity expressed around us in so many ways. But then if we are in Christ, we actually have the Holy Spirit living inside of us. The very Spirit of God that spoke galaxies into existence is in us to express the wonderful expression of God.
I have longed to be creative, and I know at times I have been. But I also know that there has been an attack on my creativity that has kept me from pursuing creative outlets. But I do come from a creative family. My Grandma Penner was an amazing oil painter. My dad and his siblings are all super creative. I have creative cousins that do amazing things. My creativity often is expressed through my energy, passion for life, and my love for telling stories. And yet I have longed for something more. In the last year, desire to unleash my creativity has increased. I don’t know how the Lord wants to fully release it all. But here in 2020, it has been expressed through grilling and cooking. I got a new Traeger grill at Christmas and then jumped into the air-fryer world. It is the perfect combination for me. I love new gadgets and love researching and trying new things. Now I am in the process of exploring new food ideas.
But then there is my writing. Oh, what a love-hate relationship I’ve had with writing. You see, I have this problem. First, I am full of words. If I can ever get focused and think clearly enough, I love to journal and get words down on paper. It’s easier for me to be verbal, but if no one is around for me to talk to, then yes, I like to write. But this is where the battle lies. I struggle with focus, I struggle with a foggy brain, and I struggle with grammar. I struggle to think that my writing is good enough, clear enough, etc. Therefore in the last three or four years, I have suppressed this desire to write, only allowing the Lord to raise it up here and there.
But then this time of quarantine happened. I have enjoyed the rest at home. I know that I run hard and am always on the move. I know that creativity doesn’t just happen and that I need to have space to let my brain think. Well, quarantine has allowed that to happen. In the past week I’ve been writing a lot more, and I felt a nudge to restart this blog. So here we go.
What will I write about? If you know me, you’ll know this blog will just be an extension of what is in my heart. I am a pretty open and vulnerable person. My guess is that I will express what I am passionate about and what I’m learning with the Lord, which could cover a variety of topics related to prayer, revival, hearing God, stories of God moving, etc.
I am grateful for our friend Maryn. She will be editing my writing. This gives me a bit of courage to write because I know she can clean up any mistakes. :)
I have no idea how often I will write and how long this will go. I don’t really care. I just know for now I feel the desire to write.
Thanks for reading.
But perhaps this space is for myself more than anything. It’s a space for me to write and express the things I am learning, thinking (which happens non-stop), and wrestling through, and if someone reads it, well I guess that’s just a bonus.
We are all creative. First, everyone is made in the image of God. By that fact alone, I think everyone is designed to reflect this amazing God that created the universe. We see creativity expressed around us in so many ways. But then if we are in Christ, we actually have the Holy Spirit living inside of us. The very Spirit of God that spoke galaxies into existence is in us to express the wonderful expression of God.
I have longed to be creative, and I know at times I have been. But I also know that there has been an attack on my creativity that has kept me from pursuing creative outlets. But I do come from a creative family. My Grandma Penner was an amazing oil painter. My dad and his siblings are all super creative. I have creative cousins that do amazing things. My creativity often is expressed through my energy, passion for life, and my love for telling stories. And yet I have longed for something more. In the last year, desire to unleash my creativity has increased. I don’t know how the Lord wants to fully release it all. But here in 2020, it has been expressed through grilling and cooking. I got a new Traeger grill at Christmas and then jumped into the air-fryer world. It is the perfect combination for me. I love new gadgets and love researching and trying new things. Now I am in the process of exploring new food ideas.
But then there is my writing. Oh, what a love-hate relationship I’ve had with writing. You see, I have this problem. First, I am full of words. If I can ever get focused and think clearly enough, I love to journal and get words down on paper. It’s easier for me to be verbal, but if no one is around for me to talk to, then yes, I like to write. But this is where the battle lies. I struggle with focus, I struggle with a foggy brain, and I struggle with grammar. I struggle to think that my writing is good enough, clear enough, etc. Therefore in the last three or four years, I have suppressed this desire to write, only allowing the Lord to raise it up here and there.
But then this time of quarantine happened. I have enjoyed the rest at home. I know that I run hard and am always on the move. I know that creativity doesn’t just happen and that I need to have space to let my brain think. Well, quarantine has allowed that to happen. In the past week I’ve been writing a lot more, and I felt a nudge to restart this blog. So here we go.
What will I write about? If you know me, you’ll know this blog will just be an extension of what is in my heart. I am a pretty open and vulnerable person. My guess is that I will express what I am passionate about and what I’m learning with the Lord, which could cover a variety of topics related to prayer, revival, hearing God, stories of God moving, etc.
I am grateful for our friend Maryn. She will be editing my writing. This gives me a bit of courage to write because I know she can clean up any mistakes. :)
I have no idea how often I will write and how long this will go. I don’t really care. I just know for now I feel the desire to write.
Thanks for reading.
Tuesday, April 21, 2020
Repairing Altars
Just a little context to this post. As I have grown in hearing the voice of God in the last 7 years, often I sense the Lord speaking when I journal from his heart and perspective. I have been thinking of altars the past week or so, and then read the story of Elijah twice on Saturday and some phrases in that spoke to me. I was planning on writing a bit on the story and connected to altars, but then felt the these words well up in my heart. I sent the word to be confirmed and tested by a few close friends. With every prophetic word, we are to test them all.
I am longing to burn and fill my people with presence. I am longing to pour out my fire on the land. I am longing to answer the groans and prayers of my people. My Son is groaning and interceding for this moment. He is longing to return to be King (Isaiah 42:13-14). I have aligned so many things for this moment in history. Just as my disciples waited in the upper room before I answered in fire, I have put my people in a time of waiting. What they are going to do with this time is the question. Are they responding in repentance? Are they responding in prayer and partnership with my ways? Or are they giving up hope and turning to old habits, old ways. This is the time of the divine reset. This is what my children have been crying out for. They are asking me to come and move in power and release fire. Many are crying out for revival. I am hearing the cries. It is time for me to move. But here is what I am longing for with my people.
I am wanting to repair the altars. I have moved in spite of the disunity, the brokenness. This is a sign of my great mercy and love. I can’t help myself. I love my children so much that I have been pouring out my Spirit. But now the terms are different. I am wanting to partner with a pure and spotless bride. I want to send my Son back to marry the bride. But the bride must be ready for my Son, and she hasn’t prepared herself. Oh I have heard the cries. I have seen the prayers. But I need to ready my people.
Here is what I am doing. I am repairing the altars. I am tearing down the false altars, the false places of worship. My children have had so much mixture and compromise in their hearts. Where are the people of God that are peculiar and set apart (1 Peter 2:8-9)? Where are the sons and daughters who will stand as priests that will minister before the Lord and weep between the portico and the altar and plea for mercy? Where are my priests who agree with my heart and my promises (Joel 2:17)?
Let’s repair the altars and the places of worship. This is the downfall of my people. They have longings and are created to worship. But they go to so many false places of worship. Just as in the days of Elijah, there is compromise in the land. There were those who we were eating at the table of Jezebel, eating her false pleasures and false delights. They were false prophets. I am concerned that my children are worshipping false gods. They are eating at the table of compromise. They eat from these idols and then show up to my altar and try to worship me. Do you want to know why I am not showing up in power in my church and why my children aren’t carrying my presence in their homes? It is this issue right here, this issue of false idols. They must repent of the mixture of humanism and false pleasures. They have made money, sports, food, time, and agendas their gods. They have created services and churches around their best efforts. But that is not my design. It is not my heart. I long for my church and my people to be centered around my presence. This was my heart throughout the Old Testament. It was always about my presence and my dwelling with my people. My instructions were clear to the Levites: don’t let the fire go out on the altar. There must be a continual tending to the place of worship.
My altar now dwells in the human heart. I long to touch the human heart deeply with my presence. This is why my Son came to bring deliverance and freedom from sin--so that I could abide in my children through the presence of the Spirit. This is no small deal. But oh, how my children make it about so many things. They are so flippant about the gift of my Spirit. They argue and try to decide which gifts are for today. Enough of the disagreements. Enough of the fighting. I am burning and longing to release so much of myself on my people. I truly long to abide in my children. I am breaking false doctrines. I am breaking off fear. I will answer those that are pure, holy, and hungry for me.
I am going to break the spirit of competition off my Church. My people will no longer compete to have better programs and more numbers, but I will release radical unity in them.
My question is the same today that I asked through Elijah. “How long will you waver between two opinions? If the Lord is God, follow him; but if Baal is God, follow him.”
I am repairing the altars in this season. I long for true worship in homes and in churches. Will you agree with my heart? Will you be willing to tear down anything that I didn't ordain or create? Will you allow me to do the hard work in your heart? This is painful. Things can die or burn up. But then I heal and release my fire, power, and glory in greater ways, and it’s all worth it.
I am longing to burn and fill my people with presence. I am longing to pour out my fire on the land. I am longing to answer the groans and prayers of my people. My Son is groaning and interceding for this moment. He is longing to return to be King (Isaiah 42:13-14). I have aligned so many things for this moment in history. Just as my disciples waited in the upper room before I answered in fire, I have put my people in a time of waiting. What they are going to do with this time is the question. Are they responding in repentance? Are they responding in prayer and partnership with my ways? Or are they giving up hope and turning to old habits, old ways. This is the time of the divine reset. This is what my children have been crying out for. They are asking me to come and move in power and release fire. Many are crying out for revival. I am hearing the cries. It is time for me to move. But here is what I am longing for with my people.
I am wanting to repair the altars. I have moved in spite of the disunity, the brokenness. This is a sign of my great mercy and love. I can’t help myself. I love my children so much that I have been pouring out my Spirit. But now the terms are different. I am wanting to partner with a pure and spotless bride. I want to send my Son back to marry the bride. But the bride must be ready for my Son, and she hasn’t prepared herself. Oh I have heard the cries. I have seen the prayers. But I need to ready my people.
Here is what I am doing. I am repairing the altars. I am tearing down the false altars, the false places of worship. My children have had so much mixture and compromise in their hearts. Where are the people of God that are peculiar and set apart (1 Peter 2:8-9)? Where are the sons and daughters who will stand as priests that will minister before the Lord and weep between the portico and the altar and plea for mercy? Where are my priests who agree with my heart and my promises (Joel 2:17)?
Let’s repair the altars and the places of worship. This is the downfall of my people. They have longings and are created to worship. But they go to so many false places of worship. Just as in the days of Elijah, there is compromise in the land. There were those who we were eating at the table of Jezebel, eating her false pleasures and false delights. They were false prophets. I am concerned that my children are worshipping false gods. They are eating at the table of compromise. They eat from these idols and then show up to my altar and try to worship me. Do you want to know why I am not showing up in power in my church and why my children aren’t carrying my presence in their homes? It is this issue right here, this issue of false idols. They must repent of the mixture of humanism and false pleasures. They have made money, sports, food, time, and agendas their gods. They have created services and churches around their best efforts. But that is not my design. It is not my heart. I long for my church and my people to be centered around my presence. This was my heart throughout the Old Testament. It was always about my presence and my dwelling with my people. My instructions were clear to the Levites: don’t let the fire go out on the altar. There must be a continual tending to the place of worship.
My altar now dwells in the human heart. I long to touch the human heart deeply with my presence. This is why my Son came to bring deliverance and freedom from sin--so that I could abide in my children through the presence of the Spirit. This is no small deal. But oh, how my children make it about so many things. They are so flippant about the gift of my Spirit. They argue and try to decide which gifts are for today. Enough of the disagreements. Enough of the fighting. I am burning and longing to release so much of myself on my people. I truly long to abide in my children. I am breaking false doctrines. I am breaking off fear. I will answer those that are pure, holy, and hungry for me.
I am going to break the spirit of competition off my Church. My people will no longer compete to have better programs and more numbers, but I will release radical unity in them.
My question is the same today that I asked through Elijah. “How long will you waver between two opinions? If the Lord is God, follow him; but if Baal is God, follow him.”
I am repairing the altars in this season. I long for true worship in homes and in churches. Will you agree with my heart? Will you be willing to tear down anything that I didn't ordain or create? Will you allow me to do the hard work in your heart? This is painful. Things can die or burn up. But then I heal and release my fire, power, and glory in greater ways, and it’s all worth it.
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