This is part 2 of our blog in sharing what God has been doing in our lives these months.
Check out part 1 here.
Check out part 1 here.
In the fall of
2011, my networking role increased dramatically because of the Francis Chan
event that I helped coordinate. I have
gotten to know so many people in the city and have really enjoyed that. But there was something missing. What I was doing wasn’t totally fulfilling my
passions yet. I wasn’t even sure at this
point what my passions were. I was
confused and didn’t know what God had for us in the ministry.
We were attending
a Spanish speaking church plant with the intent to support the pastor and serve
in any way we could. However, in
February of 2012, we felt like our time there needed to end and we stopped
going. Now I wondered where our family
would go to church. There was no new church
plant developing within World Impact. Neither
was I feeling a desire to get back into church planting. It just wasn’t clear where God was leading
us. We had started going to Hope
Community on Sunday mornings for our kids to have a place to attend, and we
decided that for now we would go there until we figured something else out.
At the end of February, I went to Moody with
Don Davis. This trip really started to intensify my wrestling. God used Don to start waking up a lot of the
passions that had been laying dormant in my life.
One of Don’s
messages at Moody really spoke to me. He
challenged the students that they should have such a deep love for Christ and
that everything in our life should flow out of that deep passion for
Jesus. He suggested that maybe some of
them had lost that passion. Perhaps the
students came to Moody with a craziness for the Lord, but now that had
changed. They might have become
complacent in their faith. He said,
“What happened to you?”
I felt this message was speaking directly to me as I
reflected on those words later on. When
I was younger I had dreams and visions for doing amazing things for God, and being
totally wild and crazy for Him. I dreamt
of planting many churches. But in my
20’s and as we were doing our church plant, I started to lose my
craziness. I felt trapped by sin, insecurity,
etc. Eventually I became cynical towards
myself because I felt like I wasn’t having spiritual victory. I hadn’t learned how to stay healthy in
ministry and felt like ministry was taking it out of me.
I realized that I was chasing those dreams because I wanted
the glory, and not the Lord. The problem
is that my passions and dreams weren’t totally wrong, but the fact that I was
doing them for the wrong reason.
When I left Lighthouse, even though we had planted the
church, I felt like a total failure. I felt like a failure in ministry, and a
failure in my family. God has brought so
much healing to those areas in the past four years. Yet I have never recovered my confidence in my
ability to minister.
Ever since my brother’s death, I have struggled so much with
comparisons. It seemed like he figured
it out at a young age. Why couldn’t I be more like him? Why have I had to struggle so much?
For me, the easiest option was to just be complacent. I figured that God had passed over me I could no
longer be in ministry and church planting.
While at Moody, God started to break through all of these
insecurities. I realized I had lost my craziness and
wildness for the Lord. I had become
complacent and comfortable. I now have a family and kids that are growing up.
It’s easier to not be wild. It’s just
easier to play it safe, and that is what I’ve been doing.
I wasn’t sure what God was saying to me during that week.
But I started to dream about new things I could do. I knew that God was asking
me to be ready for some kind of change.
As I came home from Moody, Angie and I processed a lot. She recognized that God was doing something
in our lives but together we weren’t sure what it was. As I shared some of my crazy ideas with her,
she said no to them because she didn’t feel called to them.
During this time, I felt like God spoke two different things
to me. First, it was that I needed to
stop playing it safe and that I needed to step out in faith. Secondly, the Lord
was asking me to abide deeper in Him and to be patient in the Lord. Angie initially
shared with me the need to be patient, and then it was confirmed with several
friends.
I was now in the middle of a big tension rod. On one hand, I
was trying to get out of my complacency and be willing to do anything for the
Lord that He would ask of us. Yet, in the middle of that God was saying slow
down, rest in Me, abide in My presence - wait for Me to move. This was extremely frustrating, but I knew I
was where I needed to be.
Even though I had many different ideas of what God might be
calling us to, being called to church planting was not one of them. I didn’t see how my gifts fit with the new strategy
of church planting World Impact was moving to.
It wasn’t clear to me, so I figured that I wasn’t to be a part of it. I
was struggling with vision and seeing clearly. Meanwhile, I sensed Angie was
more open to church planting and I wasn’t sure what to do with this.
I’m thankful for my leaders at World Impact who processed
with me about all of this. They were so helpful with questions, listening, and
praying for us. One of them, Andy Entz,
said to keep being patient and open to what God wanted in all of this. I needed to trust Him, even with the church
planting vision that wasn’t clear yet.
That was so hard for me. to be continued.....
Matt,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your vulnerability. You are not unlike many others in ministry. I am so glad that God is healing you of your percieved ineffectiveness in ministry. You are His child, and you display His love for others in many ways every day. I know God can and will use you. God is not in a hurry, and His timing is always perfect. I'm looking forward to the plans He has for you and your family.
Thanks for sharing. It is good to hear what is going on with you guys. I saw your blog for the first time today. God bless you in whatever God is calling you too. Will be praying for you.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Sara Collins